Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
