i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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