u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
