Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
