I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I CAN MOONWALK!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
