I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
why do cheetos always look like penises
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize