Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
