see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
