This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
