WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
