Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
