Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
