I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
