Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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