So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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