i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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