I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
