I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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