I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The beer is more important than you right now.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You've changed since you got that strap on
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
