My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
