Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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