Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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