He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
