I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
