Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
