i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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