Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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