Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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