remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
