Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
