I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
