The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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