totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
