my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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