I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
