hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
