Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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