Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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