You work out of a Hotel?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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