I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
