thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
