Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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