omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I deserve this hangover.
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