Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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