one might say we're banned from that church
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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