I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
