I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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