You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
