I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
