i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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