I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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