WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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