I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My bed smells like the plague
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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